Arranged Marriage is the process where our relatives approve of a person we’re going to spend our entire life with, based on superficial qualities. They will consider their house and their job as the main criteria. Family, mental stability, and everything else takes the backseat or aren’t even considered once. Since we understand your problem, here are 10 things to consider before you say “yes” to an arranged marriage:

1. Are they being forced to marry you?

It’s not new when parents don’t approve of your partner for various reasons. They’re forced or blackmailed or guilted into marrying someone else to keep their family’s face. If that is the case, you do not want to invest your time in such a relationship. This isn’t a daily soap drama. If this person is still in love with their ex (or, ‘secret’ current partner in some cases), you’ll have emotionally drained yourself till the time they realise they love you. That is if we consider the best-case scenario. You can always get into such a marriage if you have the same situation at your own house.

2. What is their history with their exes?

Assuming that your partner has had a couple of relationships before you, you need to understand how they’ve unfolded. If all the relationships ended badly with the other side being blamed, chances are your potential partner is the real problem. As cliched as it might sound, no sane person will have multiple failed relationships with not a single good experience. I have only had one boyfriend for three years before having the courage and determination to leave the toxic relationship. But I admit I loved him for what I thought love was – over-possessiveness, extreme jealousy, the supernatural ability to blame you for having guy friends and guilting you to stop interacting with them. If the person shows these tendencies, run away. Another example – I have an uncle who is 30+-years-old and is still single. After his mother died, he only had his younger brother and my mother’s side of the family left. Automatically, they tried to get him to have an arrange marriage so he wouldn’t feel lonely. He was someone who didn’t like her going out on a trip with her friends which had men in it. He thought it was absurd someone from a different household was going to spend his hard-earned money. Guess who isn’t on talking terms anymore? Us. We stopped talking to him after he put his regressed mindset on display. Once you start a relationship with someone amazing, you’ll realise you’ve never known love for what it is.

3. Do they have a history of mental illness?

This is very important and I hope it’s not a taboo topic for you to consider. If your potential life-partner is depressed or has anxiety, will you be able to manage it? Do they have a history of self-harming? Bipolar disorder affects roughly about 60 million people globally. Do not shrug-off their violent nature as frustration. Will you be able to take care of them if they suffer from dementia? People suffering from mental disorders need special care and therapy to heal. And as tough life is for them, it will become tough for you too. If you promise to take responsibility for them, do not abandon them once you’re tired. Furthermore, a relationship with a narcissistic person is only going to damage your mental well-being. Do not engage in something you’re not sure about.

4. Are they prodigal or frugal?

A prodigal is someone who spends money as if they’re the son of the sheikh himself. A frugal is someone who won’t switch on the lights until they bang their against the wall and fall unconscious lest their electricity bill exceeds Rs 25. Imagine you’re going on a trip, a prodigal person will try to book the best hotel/resort there is. On the other hand, the frugal person will book a room where the bathroom is 30 kilometres inside a forest. A prodigal person won’t mind taking you out on a nice evening. The frugal person will heat last month’s breakfast and maybe light a candle to make it more romantic.

5. Are they pro-choice or pro-life?

I cannot stress how necessary this question is. If you do not know, pro-choice is someone who believes women have the last say when it comes to aborting their pregnancy. Pro-life is someone who believes the growing foetus as a full-grown human being and prioritises its well-being over the woman. As evident from the previous statement, I am a hardcore pro-choice-er. If you aren’t aware of your potential partner’s opinion, you’re very likely to have conflicts in the future. To avoid a dirty fight, discuss this with them ASAP.

6. How are their friends and family?

Friends and family are always important as it reveals to you the environment they grew up in. If your potential ‘in-laws’ taunt you or try to change you with their remarks, you’d know better than to marry the person. Do their friends respect you? Closely observe their body language around you before closing the deal.

7. Is the person more of a dominant or submissive person in the bedroom?

If you’re the Dom, you’ll need a Sub. And vice-versa. Otherwise, your bedroom escapades can be turned into a nightmare. Sex isn’t easy to discuss when you’re going to have an arrange marriage but if your partner isn’t able to satisfy your sexual needs, what’s the point?

8. Are they racist, sexist, someone who body-shames, homophobic, etc.?

This is the 21st century, there is no place for people who discriminate people based on their colour, gender, or body fat. I have grown up in an environment where people discuss how beautiful someone looks but the only problem is their skin-colour. One of my uncles told me I should get married before twenty-five otherwise I would be too old to get a man. If I am too old to get a man, I’ll find myself a woman. Plus, it’s the golden era of “Love is Love” and “Love Wins”.

9. Do you see yourself building a life with someone like them?

Don’t get into a lifelong (supposed) deal out of compulsion. You’re free to choose whatever you want and whomever you want. If you cannot see yourself being proud of a potential partner, don’t marry them. You’ll make two lives miserable. Unless that is what you want.

10. Do you want kids? How many kids do they want? 

It’s very normal for some people to want kids and some people to not want kids. Do you not want kids or does your partner not want kids? If you guys do want kids, then how many. Relationships come under stress when one person wants one child while the other person wants two. Arranged marriage can be trickier than love marriage since in the latter you’re signing the contract after knowing everything

Read more: 5 Red flags to look out for on the first date