Last weekend was a revelation for me, in a way a great one. Amidst chit chat and high-spirited weekend hangout, one of my office colleagues reveal the impression that I have on others. She uttered that I am not a marriage material. Perhaps she was right or perhaps that was an eye opener for me. But in a way she was right. Yes, I can be a ‘highway motel’ for you but not a ‘home’. You can consider staying with me 1 night for fun but not for good. I can give you some great hormonal high while taking you to cloud 9 just for a day. I can be seven course meal, but not your daily diet.
Yes, I am that – a one-night stand, not a lifetime commitment. Does that make me a frivolous and cheap kind of person, may be, or perhaps I want to have it all. Perhaps I have FOMO (fear of missing out), so I don’t want to miss out on anything or anyone when it comes to having fun. But that arises a lot of questions – questions by our civilised society, who has some rules and norms of playing it cool. In ‘Kuch Kuch Hota Hai’ style – “Hum ek baar jeete hai, ek baar marte hai, shaadi bhi ek baar hoti hai … aur pyar ek baar hi hota hai”. We were told that you can have one partner(at a time) if you are dating somebody or you are in marriage. You can’t have it all – perhaps, you must leave it for others as well 😊.
Point here is practicing monogamy is something our society, always preaches. But I was always different. I knew at a very early age that monogamy isn’t my thing. My restless attempt of looking for something new in relationship is maddening. I rush from one person to another. I do not want to be in the same set of words for long. As if it will kill me, I am disgusted by the familiarity. Getting acquainted with someone makes me restless and I am never around the familiarity.
And here comes the great revelation of our time – Open relationships and how open are we? Irrespective we are open or not, it is very prevalent in our society and we are not talking about it. We somehow are ignoring this very fact in our lives. Before judging it or approving it we need to see the ‘elephant’ in the room with all perspective. People are ignoring open relationships, even though they are in it or curious to have it, reasons are very wide spread. It questions a lot of building blocks of our society – including marriage as an institution. Also, open relationships must be examined from the point of inherent intention behind it. So, here is whys and hows of open relationships.
Why do we need Open relationship?
It is very important to understand the fact why we feel the need to sleep with another person, irrespective of having a stable & happy relationship. Are we not happy? Are we not happy emotionally or physically? What is the surety that getting laid with people around gets that emotional or physical happiness? May be, reasons are different? But I am sure we have one common answer.
We get bored of one person – life doesn’t give us that excitement being with one person all our life. Life becomes monotonous and stagnant when it comes to discovering each other in relationships. There remains no stone unturned or any body parts undiscovered(pun intended), when you are in relationship. You know your partner and you know it all. So, lack of newness, lack of adventure opens a new road to ecstasy.
Satisfying each other’s hormonal triggers and getting laid with new people around to keep the adventure on. But then what about the emotional part of it. After all we are human being, at point we can be attached to the other person too, while we are in love with our own partner. Does this make the process a lot difficult? I am sure it does.
What is the guarantee that you won’t fall in for somebody else? If you can fall for physicality or the ‘sex’ part of it, you may fall for the ‘heart’ as well. We established the fact that you can fuck two people at the same time (not in the same room or same place and time, that would be threesome) but can you love two people at the same time? Does your heart give the permission of loving another person or ‘open relationship’ is only for having fucking around and getting laid, just for that adventure sake? Okay! I know I am seeing this from extreme end. Let’s talk about ‘just hanging around’, does that count? Open relationship with no sex, no love but just seeing around. Having a good time and hanging around. But then nobody would have problem with that kind of relationship, isn’t it?
So, thunders rumbles when there is involvement physically. So, now we know, what society can’t digest or your partner for that matter. Somebody getting laid while being in a relationship with somebody stable (be it marriage or serious relationship). So, talking about the intent, why do you need an open relationship or why people fall for infidelity is solely physical or bodily desire, so to say.
Is it infidelity?
No! Open relationship doesn’t permit infidelity. Because here, you play by some rules and the foremost important rule is both partners are aware about each other’s flings or hook ups. Both parties agree of playing it cool and get laid with others, but make sure that they stick to their primary partners when it comes to emotional dependency.
This is only about physicality or hooking up. “Parinda ko vaapis lautke ke ghar ko aana hai!” – that is there, an underlying fact and trust with each other that they will not fall for anything else apart from the sex. So, if two people are comfortable enough to share their partners with others (in different occasions), then there should not be any problem. Getting consent from partners makes things easier and trustworthy. Meaning – you are asking your primary partner before you are hooking up with anybody. But does that make sense?
What if, the other person is not getting good hook ups or any dates at all. Will the situation be same then? Doesn’t it bother the ‘hook up deprived’ partner a bit edgy and jealous? Somebody is getting ‘laddus’ in both hands but the other is sex-deprived murmuring like Bipasha Basu in Jism, “Barso se, is dharti pe, baarish ki ek boond tak nahi giri.” You know what I mean, right? So, now it all comes to equality. Both partners should match the score of having affairs. Then everything is good, not even a soul gets hurt. Else, everything will fall apart and the happiness you are looking for, will turn into a mirage.
Should you be jealous?
Should you? Isn’t it all for selfless love and shit? Meaning – you keep your partner’s happiness before you. The selfless love or as millennial call the ‘Rumi vala’ love. But a little jealously is healthy, I guess. Then, it shows how concerned and emotional, you are, about your partner. This is very rampant in every generation. The ownership in a relationship. We end up thinking that our partner is something in our possession. As if we own the person in relationship. So, anything he or she does without our consent, makes us uncomfortable. We start to think game is slipping through our hands and we do not have any ownership in the relationship. But think of an ideal relationship where you don’t have the burden of having ownership of anybody for that matter. Does that sound a great idea to you? Does that make everything good now? I guess, not!
Are you obligated to keep each other happy?
In relationships, we tend to burden our partner with cliched idea of love and being in a relationship. It’s not about only ownership of the relationship but we also burden our partner with responsibility of making us happy in every possible way. We tend to get dependent on our partners for everything. As if we marry to or be in relationship with Govt. of India – who is responsible for providing us everything including rationing to being rational in arguments, providing us mental happiness to physical satisfaction. We held them account for everything that is happening in our life. And there it starts all. The expectations, the disappointments. Disheartened souls don’t really make a happy life.
So, what is the recipe for happy relationship – open relationship? It is one of the means to reach to the end. Not the end. Irrespective of having an open relationship or taking out your Arc of Noah to some other’s garage doesn’t really make you happy. If somebody is really wanting to have a great relationship or a great marriage life, you shouldn’t be dependent on each other for anything – including mental or physical or materialistic stuff. There should be respect, there should be love – unconditional, admiration and companionship. If you have all these, then definitely having an open relationship or not fucking around, really doesn’t make any difference.
Now you know the drill, go ahead, take the adventure, till you are young and moving. Have fun!